An update and an NSV

Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve been around! Life has been pretty hectic lately, and I’ve been dealing with a little worse than I would if my husband was around.

My sister gave birth to her daughter, Ava, and then spent almost 2 weeks in the hospital due to infection. I’m flying out on Friday to be there to get her back on her feet. And then my mother ended up in the hospital at the same time with issues due to her diverticulitis. So, I haven’t had time to sit down and blog because I’ve taken that time to just veg out.

But I have still stayed pretty vigilant on my weight loss journey. I’ve been working out pretty hard – focusing on cardio (c25k), and legitimate weight training (if I can’t do more than 8 reps, too heavy. If I can do more than 12, too light.)

I’ve started c25k over because I had an ankle injury and had to forgo doing it for about 3 weeks. Tonight was actually Week 1 Day 1.

My last weight in I was 226.1 – it’s been a slow weight loss, which I have mentioned before, but I really am okay with that because I truly want to keep it off this time. Any time in the past I lost weight quickly, I never kept it off. And I never went about it the right way, but I am now. And I know that I have put some muscle weight on, so I’m not too worried about how slow it’s been in the last month.

I have also noticed a new NSV in the last few months – I am far more persisten, and I possess a hell of a lot more perseverance. In the past if I fell off the horse, I stayed off of that horse for months and months. A horrible downward spiral until I realized I was yet another 10 pounds heavier.

But now I fall off the horse, and within a matter of days, usually 2 to 4, I am right back on it. I don’t wait to gain all the weight back, usually I don’t even gain a pound back. Instead of 2 bad months, I have 2 or 3 bad days.

This is a trait I hope to hold onto.

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Deployment Blues

Being a military spouse isn’t easy, though being a spouse in general isn’t either. But being married to someone in the military presents a very different set of problems to overcome. Frequent separation, long periods of separation, a hazardous job, never knowing just how long you’ll be anywhere, among other things. It’s no wonder that military marriages have such a high divorce rate.

My husband and I have spent a lot of our relationship apart from one another. He had fairly regular TDY’s (temporary deployments), but those were always pretty manageable, as they’d always be anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months long. For a military wife – that’s a short period of time.

Monday will be 1 month since my husband deployed. Ironically, it will also be the day to mark 4 years of service for my husband. The thing that’s making this deployment so much tougher is the fact that it’s going to be 13 months long, and could at any time be extended up to 18 months. It’s easy to count down the days when you’re looking at 13 weeks or less, but with over a year I don’t even have the heart to start a countdown calendar because I know seeing such a large number will bring me down.

Losing weight and focusing on exercise and diet are definitely helping. I tell myself that the next time my husband sees me he won’t even believe that hot broad is his wife. Not having him there to support me every day is tough, though.

This morning I stepped on the scale to see 227.8 lbs. I’m just a couple of pounds from where I’ve been for a large part of my life – 225. I don’t say that with pride, just fact. I can’t believe I let myself get to 250 pounds, but at least I woke up, and changed it. I’m definitely struggling – I’m lonely, depressed, and missing Las Vegas. The best parts of my life so far have been spent there. I was married there, spent the first 2.5 years of my marriage there, got my dog there. Leaving hasn’t been easy. Being home hasn’t been what I thought it would be, because now home isn’t home – home is with my husband, and right now – that’s on the other side of the world.

Progress

Yesterday I posted my new stats after a pound loss, and when I plugged in my new weight to my Fitbit dashboard I realized I’ve completed 20% of my weight loss goal! My BMI is 35.8 and now I’m less than 2 points away from no longer being in the “Morbidly Obese” category. 

I don’t know if anyone else here has a Fitbit (and if you do, I’d love to have more people to encourage me), but I love mine. The online site, which is free after buying your Fitbit, is really motivating – if you love seeing the numbers. 

Weigh In Day!

I’m back to my Tuesday weigh in days. I don’t like it being on Monday, because if it’s a bad number, I feel like I start my week off disappointed. No one wants that. 

Today my weight was 228.8! Down just over a pound from my last weigh in. 

The best thing about this weight loss journey is the patience it has taught me. I’m now really happy with a 1 pound loss in a week, it’s progress, and I’ll take progress. Sure the weeks where I drop closer to 5 pounds feel better – but I’m content with my 1 lb. weeks too. 

So yeah, go me! And go you! Go us! 

Convenient Distractions

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this to you guys before – but I’m quite the crafting ‘goddess.’ While proud of my ability with needlepoint, crochet, and knowing my way around a sewing machine – the thing I’m most proud of is my knitting. I’m pretty damn good at it, if I do say so myself.

After high school I resolved to teach myself something. I picked knitting.

It was unusual pick for me – the girl who previously spent most of her time buried in books, and school work (with the occassional escape to a local punck rock house show). I didn’t think I possessed a crafty bone in my body at that point.

It literally took me 2 weeks of much frustration just to learn how to cast on the beginning stitches for a 30 stitch scarf. I actually got garter stitch down quite quickly, and I enjoyed it. Then I hit the wall of casting off – that was another 2 weeks of misery, I dropped so many stitches and had no idea how to remedy it.

So I ripped it all out, threw the lot into a drawer and proceeded to forget about knitting for several months. And then I happened across that drawer, and decided I could give it another go.

From then – I never looked back. 6 years later I feel confident in saying that I’m a pretty talented knittress.

knitting

 

This is an example of one of my favorite pieces that I’ve made.

Now, as I embark a 13 month separation from my husband – I know that my knitting needles will feel the brunt of my loneliness, sadness, frustration, elation – the rollercoaster of a the military spouse experience while separated. And the frustration of the woman trying to lose some serious weight.

Thankfully my sister has her first baby, a girl, on the way very soon – so I have plenty of useful things to make. A few weeks ago I even went to my local farmer’s market and picked up a gorgeous skein of handspun, homegrown wool yarn. It has all the things that make handspun natural fiber yarn so fantastic, deep color, softness, and the varying thickness that only a handspun yarn can truly have. Now I just need to find the perfect inspiration for the perfect project to use it on.

You might not know this – but all skeins of yarn have a purpose, a project they’re meant for. And sometimes you just have to give that skein time to figure out what it’s going to be when it grows up. That explains why anyone who’s been knitting for more than a month has a stash, my stash is pretty ridiculous. So far my stash has been my savior. It keeps me away from instant gratification snacking, and helps me pass a lot of time.

What distractions do you have as you learn to change your habits?

Long Time, No See

It has been a rough couple of months. 

Our cross country move was incredibly stressful. Our last month together was bittersweet. And now I’m launched into our first major (13 month) deployment, and it’s so very difficult. I don’t have my other half, my support system, my best friend. So it has definitely been rough. 

But I can proudly say I have still lost weight – right now I am sitting right at 230.0 pounds. I’m pretty proud of that, considering what I’ve been dealing with. Before I know it, I’ll be out of the 200’s. I know that. 

I’ve joined a gym here in Michigan, which is 24 hours and very near to me. I’ve been going regularly since my husband deployed, and it’s definitely given me something to look forward to, it’s helping carry me through the week. 

This is all the writing steam I have right now. I’m off to read some posts.

A little check-in

Sorry for my lack of posts lately. My husband and I are in the midst of a literal cross country move – so we’re obviously pretty busy, and my focus has definitely shifted from watching every calorie and getting an hour workout in. I know once I get back home (to Michigan, where we’re both from, my husband will be going to Korea) my focus will return and I’ll be right back on the bandwagon of weight loss. But for right now, I simply don’t have the energy for it. I’m still eating well – lots of brown rice, cottage cheese, carrots and hummus – so I’m not concerned about what the scale will say once I get to dig it out of the boxes.

Along with the diet shifting a little bit, I’ve not had time for C25K, so I’m pretty sure I’ll be restarting it once I get settled after the move.

I hope everyone else is doing well!

C25K: Week 2, Day 3

I did it! I got to the fucking end of week 2. I’m afraid of week 3, though. Like… really, really afraid. Afraid enough to think I should just do Week 2 again, but at the same time I’m thinking that I won’t be pushing myself (and thus believing in myself) enough if I just give on Week 3 before even trying it. It’s just… I don’t think I can do 3 straight minutes of running.

Which I think is strictly an issue of not believing in myself enough. Maybe I very well can do it, I just don’t have any personal faith. Which comes from being overweight most of my life, and unable to do the things you should be able to do as a 23 year old.

I’ve spent a lot of years hating myself. Not believing I was beautiful, worthy, smart – all because of a number on a scale. And that’s stupid. I’m more than a number, and more than a second timing of how long I can run. I should at least try before I give up.

I apologize for this blog all being a personal fight with myself. As a lover of Jillian Michaels, I think I should just keep telling myself “it’s not an issue of if you can do it, it’s an issue of will you do it?”

The idea of perfection

It’s been a few days. I was a little down because of my weight gain after a bad night, but I’m now at a solid 232.4 and that’s less than 232.5Every week I get closer and closer to not having a BMI over 35, which technically classes you as “morbidly obese,” the super scary obese. I’m currently at a 36.3 on the BMI chart, and I can’t wait to see a 34, and to celebrate just being obese. I never thought I’d celebrate being fat. But that’s just what this journey has taught me. 

Before, when trying to lose weight, I’d see my numbers, my BMI, and for some reason resolve to hate myself until I was a perfect size 6 and a healthy BMI. That’s not healthy, now I’m learning to celebrate every victory – because, dammit, I did that. made that happen. And waiting until perfection to be happy means, simply, you’ll never be happy. We humans are really good at forming a thought of what perfect is, getting there, and realizing it’s not so perfect. Then we create another fantasy of perfect, and the cycle goes on. 

Be kind to yourselves, this is the only body you get. 

St. Patty’s Slip Up

Today was not a good day, calorie-wise.

I ended up having a few too many drinks with my husband. And you know what? I’m totally okay with that. I am going to have slip ups. I am going to eat or drink too many calories sometimes. And that’s okay. The important part of falling down isn’t that you fell down, it’s that you picked yourself up, dusted off, and got back up.

I’m not going to hate myself. I’m going to accept that I had fun, and it’s behind me now. I know that part of it had to do with the stress I’ve been going through. I’ve mentioned before that my husband, R, is in the Air Force, and in a few short weeks we will be going through our first separation and his first deployment. Mentally, I am freaking the fuck out. I’m scared, emotional, sad – so many things all at once. And the fact that I’ve controlled my diet up to this point is an achievement in itself to me.

And now that I’m done ranting, I’m going to go watch a movie. 🙂